I didn’t realize it, but this past month I was grieving the unexpected loss of my job. I had just come back from vacation and was expecting to return to work in 2 days when the Mayor of LA put out the Safer-at-Home order. Then following, the California Massage Therapy Council also recommended that we stop working. So out of respect and despite my reluctance, I cancelled my appointments. That was on March 16th.
Afterwards I was in denial about how long this might last. I lost interest in learning and doing. I spent a lot of time playing video games and watching TV. I thought I was just getting over some jet lag and recovering from a very go-go-go vacation. We walked 10 miles a day so I just assumed that I needed to rest. But then two weeks after our vacation I was still tired and sleeping later into the day. Finally I got upset and didn’t know how to handle it. I got annoyed with Don and spent a whole day mad at him, when really I was mad at the situation. I wanted to work and help people and live in my purpose but I couldn’t do it. The very life I was working for was right at my fingertips, but denied to me because of the global situation. I understood but I it still sucked. This all happened about 2 weeks ago. And since those downhill moments, life has been getting better.
There’s still a day or two in between productivity that I spend just sitting around or watching TV, but now I’ve incorporated walking each day. I promised myself I’d go outside for 30 minutes a day and that’s been helping. A few days ago I started listening to podcasts again and checked-in on the state of the world. I was invited to listen to a podcast on grief hoping to learn something that could help my clients. Instead I learned that I was going through my own grieving process.
I didn’t even know I could grieve the loss of my job, but upon reflection that’s exactly what was happening. And it helped to know that I was going through this process. That my emotions and fluctuations in moods and sleeping a lot weren’t some unforeseen issues, but that I was sad and mourning and that in time it would pass.
I know that one day I will be able to continue my work, but the truth right now is that I don’t know when that will be. So until I can see the hope, there is none to hold. Instead I’m learning how to accept the state of my life and to maybe move on into something new.