Once I realized I had the power to create my own happiness, I started to work on understanding that power. If it comes from within, can I be in a perpetual state of happiness? Where inside does this feeling flow freely? Why does it flow freely? How do I drink from the waters?
I kept hearing, seeing, and reading that I should slow down. The fundamental feeling of happiness lies in realizing that there are good things happening in your life right now. Like right now, in this moment now. As you breathe in and out.
And slow down I’ve done. In being depressed I’ve slowed down a lot. Normally wanting to accomplish 10+ things in a day, I’ve reduced my list to two or three things a day. Maybe depression is your body’s way of telling you that you need to slow down. It feels bad, but can also be a technique for recovery. I’ve been learning from family and friends the value of slowing down. Of doing nothing and allowing yourself the time and permission to do nothing. Of enjoying the slowness and doing nothing.
In my past I would get annoyed at myself. saying “Why are you so lazy? You haven’t done enough. There are still so many things to accomplish and your time is wasted.” But today is a new day and I’m practicing kindness. I’m’ telling myself to not do anything today. That this is a good thing and that my life will be better for it. And it is. It has been. Sometimes as I sit, I feel the sparkle of the river running through me.
In the mornings I lay in bed and lounge on my phone. In the sunlight I read a book and pause sometimes to look up at the sky. Then stop to let my thoughts move in and out of my head. In a day I can get annoyed, feel content, and everything in between. The sips of contentment help me a lot. The sips of frustration are getting few and far between as I stop to notice and realize where I am in life. I mean realize with unfiltered eyes. Really see who I am without expectations and without judgement. Without makeup and pedestals and glitter. Really see me as a flawed yet complete human being.
Things I am grateful for:
- My family and their support
- My friends and the laughter they bring
- Don for his support and his laughter
Things I am proud of:
- My body and my health
- My appetite for learning and teaching
- My patience
Things that make me human:
- My fear of the unknown
- My high expectations of myself
- My search for happiness
Things I am working on:
- Compassion and patience for myself
- Enjoying the moment
- Allowing myself the freedom to play