Return to LA

When I got back to LA, my life felt like a shamble. I had all the time in the world to just lay in bed and feel sorry for myself. Every morning, I would distract myself on Facebook or Instagram for 2 hours and then maybe pace back and forth in the apartment. Often I was sitting on the couch or in my bed, just feeling sad, listless, depressed. You feel bad, but you don’t know what to do to make it better. You walk, you try to watch funny things, but nothing works and you just end up back in the same hole you feel you’ve sunk into. You sleep, because in sleeping you can feel better for the few moments after you wake up before you realize where you are.

Why was I depressed? I’m not completely sure, but I think it had to do with realizing how negatively I treat myself. And the fear coming from the huge change I just made.

My reoccurring thoughts were:

What am I doing with my life? Why did I quit my job? Was this the right decision? What if it’s not the right decision? What if I’ve just sabotaged myself?

Tons of doubt, fear, and lots of questioning my identity.

Who am I now? I don’t want to be so hard on myself, but will that make me soft? Will changing this part of me, change everything? What kind of work do I want to do? Who do I want to be in this life? Will my interests be the same? Or will I change so much that my friends won’t fit my life anymore?

Also lots of:

What if I don’t find a job I want? What if that job pays too little for me to have the things I want? What if I don’t find a job at all?

So I got scared and fervently started looking for a job. I applied with a generic cover letter and generic resume. And surprisingly I got an interview. My mind hoped, “Wow I must be awesome”. But my gut said, ” Wow that was really too fast”. I researched more into the company and those Glassdoor reviews showed me that this was not the kind of work I wanted to be doing with my life.

I had to stop and say to myself, “What are you doing?”

I was letting my fear and insecurity get the best of me. So I stopped to breathe in and breathe out. And slowly my friends helped me realize that I’m going to be ok. That I’m exactly where I need to be. And that this path I’ve chosen for myself is the right one.

I need to be more purposeful with my time. I should be finding the career I want, instead of halfheartedly looking for any job I could do.

Every day is still a trial. I have to stop and tell myself that I’m going to be fine. I have to stop and remember that I planned and saved for this time, and that I should enjoy it. I have to remind myself to work on my self-compassion and that this day is for me to find a little more happiness.

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