I still have trouble with the future.
As a child all you know is school and what your parents tell you. America lays out this plan for you – go to elementary school, then middle school, then high school, then college and possibly graduate school. Always there was another 3 yrs or 4 yrs, then 4 more years to finish. But then I finished them.
And since 2008, life has been this giant pit of possibilities. I’ve done and tried so many things already, but there is so much more to do. Life is so vast.
I guess because I haven’t committed to any long term goals (goals lasting more than a few months) most days I feel like I am just wandering from one event or thought to the next. Lots of these events happen throughout the year and then suddenly the next year is here. I no longer write notes from day to day. Once a week I actually pen a date and think to myself, wow another week has passed. Now time is counted by Sunday – Saturday instead of Day 1-30. Life moves differently.
I move differently. The other day we spoke with a friend who was turning 40 and he said that he still feels as himself. He doesn’t feel any different from when he was 30. He feels like a kid with adult responsibilities. But you are different in a lot of small ways. Maybe not in a big way. Life changes you subtly.
It’s just weird to not measure you life with numbers or logic. When you were 16 you would think, ok by 18 I can do more things legally and go to college. I will be done with college by 22 and then graduate school by 26. I will be married by 28 and have kids at 30. The plan was there. I didn’t follow it all. I didn’t have a plan for after 30. Life likes to spit on your stupid plan.
I’m 29 now. And I don’t know how to feel about this number. I don’t know how to feel about the future. Life can’t tell me how to feel.
I feel like I’ve grown into an artist. Where my creative skills have matured to a point where I can make what I envision. If my result deviated from the idea, then I know what I did wrong and can correct it. Or I can accept the deviation as an inspiration for something new. You know when you are creating something and you work to the point of satisfaction? You create and hone and reevaluate such that you are making sure that your art turns out as you see it in your mind. My canvas is a blog entry, a plate, a sketch book, or a classroom. But the biggest canvas is Life.
Life is a vast canvas that changes you subtly and spits on your stupid plan. But it can’t tell you how to feel and it will move differently every day.